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Funny Jokes for you

Started By James20 , Oct 20 2014 04:04 AM

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#1

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Wife: "How would you describe me?" 
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." 
Wife: "What does that mean?" 
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." 
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" 
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"


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#2

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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."


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#3

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Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"


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#4

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A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked. “No, I don’t” she replied.

Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”

She didn’t crack a smile. “Oh, well. I tried.” – he thought.

Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he asked. “I was just picturing how condoms are made!” – she said.


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#5

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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”


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#6

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."


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#7

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.


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#8

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"


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#9

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Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."


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#10

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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"


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#11

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A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?" “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!" “Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."


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#12

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A lil boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where`s Mom and Dad? " and she replied, "They`re up in bed " so the lil boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. 
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "Where`s Mom and Dad?" and she replied "They`re still up in bed " and the lil boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. 
Then the lil boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "Where`s Mom and Dad?" and his grandmother replied "They`re still up in bed" and the little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked "What give`s? 
Every time I tell you they`re still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here? " 
The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead.


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#13

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A Dictionary of Important Terms For Parents Only
 
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. 
 
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. 
 
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him. 
 
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. 
 
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. 
 
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. 
 
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings 
 
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. 
 
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. 
 
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. 
 
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. 
 
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. 

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#14

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dead
 
a little boy was praying and his dad walked passed and stoped to listen to his son his son said dear god please bless mummy and daddy and grandpa tatata grandma and the next day they found grandma dead on the floor. that night the dad listened again and the boy said god bless mummmy and daddy tatata grandpa dead on the floor . the next night the dad said shit its me next so he listened to the boy and he said god bless mummy tatata daddy .so the man stayed up all night and really early in the morning he went to the docters and the docter said he was all right so he went home when he got home his wife came running out and said this morning we found the post man dead on the door step

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#15

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It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? 
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. 
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I`ll be 16 tomorrow." 
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I`ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she`ll get, and watch the expression on her face." 
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

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